Archive | Letters to Famous people both living and dead RSS feed for this section

Dear Benjamin Franklin,

14 Mar

Daylight Savings Time was a shit-fuck balls-ass HORRIBLE idea. THis morning I woke up and felt like I was being freshly dragged out of a grave thanks to it feeling like 7 o’clock in the morning instead of 8 o’clock.

I want my hour back.

*Shakes tiny fist*

In other news, I’ve started a side project called Not Your Gamer Girlfriend, a website about girls and videogame culture. You can find it here. I promise Uncomfort Zone will continue to update as closely as possible to daily as my exhaustion and madness will allow.

Dear MTV,

16 Jan

A letter to MTV, media conglomerate and television programming station.

To whom it may concern at MTV:

I am a 23-year-old female living in 21st century America, and though I am currently too poor to have a cable service provider, I have been aware of your programming for quite some time.

I’ve given you chances MTV. I remember the days of yore when you, and your counterpart VH1, actually lived up to your purpose.

See that ‘M’ in your name, MTV? The one that’s the first letter of your acronym? It stands for MUSIC. You know, music? That thing people often make videos for? Those videos that you used to show on your channel, before The Real World?

MTV, you disappoint me often. It’s sad but true. I’ve all but given up on your ability to provide me with quality entertainment, especially after Jersey Shore.

And then I found out about Skins.

I watched the UK version of Skins this summer on Netflix. As far as teenage comedy dramas went, I found it to be extremely original, witty and intelligent, especially for a show about teenagers who like to get high and blow off school.

Then I found out you were taking this show and creating an ‘American’ version.

I knew you were lacking in originality MTV, but upon some research I discovered that was just the tip of the iceberg.

See, not only are you remaking Skins using the exact same plot, but you’re using virtually identical character names and advertising campaigns:

Promo for Skins, UK version

Promo for Skins, US version.

But that’s not my biggest beef with you, MTV, and it’s a beef that goes above and beyond unoriginality.

It’s the fact that you took this character from the original Skins:

Maxxie, known for being openly gay and an incredible dancer

And turned him into this:

Tea, hard-partying out and proud lesbian.

Now, I don’t really understand what you’re trying to do here MTV. You’ve taken an openly gay male character and changed him into an openly gay female character.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing I guess. I mean, at least you aren’t completely removing these themes of homosexuality in your show, right? You’re demonstrating a roughly accurate depiction of American youth by including a lesbian character, right?

So why make a gay guy into a gay chick? That homosexual population quotient is already perfectly represented by Skin’s UK’s character of Maxxie. You haven’t been afraid to keep other characters virtually identical down to name and appearance :

Tony from Skins UK vs. Tony from Skins US. See the resemblance?

So what’s the deal MTV? Are you telling us that Lesbians are more acceptable in American society? Are you adhering to a comfortable double-standard?

And should I really be surprised.

The sad fact of the matter is that to some extent, this aspect of culture in America is true. While the homosexual population is out and proud on both ends of the gender spectrum, there’s a certain higher amount of acceptance for Lesbian girls over gay men.

Am I pulling facts out of my ass here? Sure. But go ask a straight dude how he feels about two girls making out. Then ask him how he feels about two guys making out. It’s that mentality that’s driving your adjustment here MTV, and it’s further evidence that even though America is slowly squeaking forward in the gay rights movement, we still have a long way to go.

I’m not saying Lesbians have an easier time of it, or that their relationships are accepted in society overall. I’m saying that you’re promoting this idea that being a gay male is so unacceptable in American culture that you had the need to replace him with a lesbian female in mainstream television.

Can you explain this to me MTV? Because none of this makes any sense to me, and it thoroughly depresses me.

Congratulations on assisting in the decline of American creativity MTV. I’ll probably watch the new Skins and complain about it, because that’s the way of the internet (I mean, come on, I’m ranting about this on my blog. How’s that for mature reaction?). Thanks for nothing.

With love and small amounts of bile,

Lora.

 

Dear Saint Augustine,

11 Dec

A letter to Saint Augustine, esteemed bishop of Hippo Regius who lived from 354 to 430 CE and wrote prolifically on the subjects of religion, philosophy, sin and salvation:

Your esteemed saintness,

I can’t say I knew much about you before my Junior year of college. I was raised Catholic, but much like yourself according to your book Confessions, I was really bad at it. Not that I forsee myself having the epic revelation and conversion you went through in Milan, but you at least know where I’m coming from, Problem of Evil and all that.

I am working on my final paper for my Religion and Late Antiquity class, which is 70% of my final grade. I know you’re a little far along on the Late Antiquity scale, so far that some folk refer to you as the last Great Thinker of Late Antiquity and the dude whose works and thoughts mark the beginning of the period of Medieval thought (which is impressive by the way. Props to you for that). My point being, I decided to write my paper about you.

This, in retrospect, may have been a mistake.

It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m holed up inside away from the snow, and this is the current state of my workspace:

That’s a lot of books. And highlighted sticky notes. And other crap. I’m sifting through at least two of your works to hunt down material to ramble about in my paper for at least ten pages. That’s not the problem.

No, the problem is this book:

That there? That huge monstrosity of a text that weighs about as much as a small child and could easily be used to club one to death? That’s your work, City of God against the Pagans. It’s a key part of my paper, along with your reasons for writing it (sack of Rome by the Visigoths in 410 and all that. Bummer about that by the way. I bet that was a huge downer). It is nearly impossible to read. This has been my second attempt, and both times I have given up in frustration and only read the parts absolutely necessary to succeed in my academics.

My problem, Saint Augustine, is that you have simply written TOO MUCH for me to adequately summarize you in a research paper with a maximum pagecount of 20. I will of course make a valiant attempt – I have an outline, an intro paragraph, I even have a bunch of sticky notes and references to some of your influences, like the Manichees and Plotinus and even the Bible.

Do you know how rare it is for ME to pick up a Bible? I had to borrow one from my boyfriend, and he only had it on hand because he’s a philosophy major and was assigned it for a class.

Yes, we’re heathens. Don’t hold it against us, we’re still good people, we promise.

So that’s that. Your body of work is too dense and your life far too interesting for me to do it justice in this paltry research paper of mine. That’s the sad, honest-to-god truth right there. I did well on my presentation, but that seemed to be a lot of my professor being shocked that it was possible to summarize your life and works AT ALL, let alone squeezing it into a fifteen minute presentation that I gave while talking very quickly. There were handouts. And a powerpoint.

My point is, I’m sorry I’m in the process of butchering your philosophical career in the interest of my education. I will leave a ton of stuff out, like your consort and son (another bummer there dude. Your son died young, and your mom kinda sucks for forcing you to break up with her, even thought she’s a saint and stuff) and your marriage to a girl half your age (EW. Sorry, but EW. I don’t care if girls got married at 14 a lot when you were alive, that’s just nasty). I’m really only going to talk about two of your major works, and three of your key concepts that revolutionized Christianity.

But give me some credit here. I’m just trying to graduate with more than a C in this class.

I’m not the praying kind, that much I’m sure you’ve figured out. However, in this case I’m making a semi-serious exception to directly appeal to you as a former Catholic historian semi-godless heathen hedonist who’s just trying to get this done with as little pain as possible. If you would, Saint Augustine of Hippo, give me the sanity to complete this paper, and this research, without setting anyone on fire, by 10 AM on Monday the 13th of December.

It would be very much appreciated. Also, I’d like to get more than a B on it, if that’s something I can swing.

I promise I’ll make you sound like a philosophical badass. For reals.

Sincerely, and with much kowtowing and thanks,

Lora, flailing history/religion student