Dear Nebraska,

31 Jan

Look, I know it’s almost February. I know that, as a Midwestern state, you only have two real seasons and those are hot-as-balls summer and the misery of sub-zero snowmageddon. This is my sixth winter in your frigid embrace, and I’m aware that my complaining is going to do absolutely nothing.

But seriously.

This has GOT to STOP.

Know how long it took to get all the ice scraped off my car this afternoon? Twenty minutes. I didn’t even get all of it off, and I needed to enlist the aid of my boyfriend, who has a higher cold tolerance and less weedy wrists. There was still a solid layer of ice on both my side-view mirrors, since the most we could do to remove it was chip off enough for me to have visibility. I did everything I could – defrosted and heated up my car, chipped with my scraper and brushed with my brush, but it took me twenty minutes to do a job that normally takes less than one – start my car and get to where I’m going.

And that’s not all.

It seems that while I am profoundly aware of the effects of snow and the dangers of driving in it, the rest of your denizens are either woefully unaware or just turn into complete slackjawed morons the second it gets  a little icy around here. It took me half an hour for a fifteen minute trip, and not just because of the ice, but because of everyone else driving like they’d just had their brainstems removed.

Seriously, the number of people who almost swerved into me, rear-ended me, cut me off, sped up too fast or slowed down too slow, left me looking and feeling rather like this during my drive:

Truly Nebraska,  driving in your hazardous ice and snow conditions is a horror I must endure every year.

But seriously.

It’s almost February.

This past month the weather here has been so miserable that the students at UNL got TWO DAYS IN A ROW OFF SCHOOL.

You know as well as I do that such an event NEVER happens. It never occured in the four and a half years I attended the institution.

So seriously. Please Nebraska. I understand that snow and ice are parts of nature, precipitation that gives life and growth to crops and shit during the spring. I find snow quite pretty from the other side of a plate glass window. I really do.

But please. We’ve had enough. I’m tired of my car being buried under seven inches of snow and an eighth of an inch of ice. I’m sick of slipping and falling with bags of groceries in my hands. I’m tired of almost dying because every other mentally challenged driver on the road has decided to try to take me out with him/her in his suicidal urge to drive like an ignoramus at the first sign of snowfall.

No more Nebraska. No more of this bullshit. I’d rather see it rain for a month straight than have to deal with this snow misery one more day this winter.

Make it stop.

Pretty please?

Or I’ll make plans to move to another state that start up a little earlier than fall of 2012.





2 Responses to “Dear Nebraska,”

  1. heideelahree January 31, 2011 at 6:44 pm #

    *Forwards to Ohio*

    You should start collecting signatures.

  2. Nebraska January 31, 2011 at 6:45 pm #

    Dear Lora,
    I’m sorry that Mother Nature hates me and that retarded people flock here like idiots to a Dip n Dots stand… but think about it this way, at least you’re not up in the Dakotas!
    …or even worse, CANADA!!!

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