Lora’s Patented Cures for Depression

12 Jan

You know that feeling, I”m sure you do. Statistics are lies, sure, but it’s a safe bet that there’s some truth in the fact that millions of people suffer from a depressive disorder in the United States alone, enough that you’re probably a depression sufferer too. And I mean for reals depression, probably needs medication, suicide looks shiny and you want to fucking die at least a few times a week will spontaneously burst into tears because you feel like ass for no reason depression.

That’s the thingy I have, and have had for years now, ever since I can really remember. I’m doing all right with it though. I have a dedicated psychologist. I’m not medicated but could be if things got worse. I have a boyfriend who is also depressed, but a little further along in his dealing with it, and makes an excellent confidante in my dealings with random outbursts of self-loathing and crying fits.

He can’t be around all the time though, and neither can my therapist, so I’ve got my own methods of dealing. I have multiple methods of dealing with my bouts of depression, carefully developed and tested over the years, and now, because I love you dear readers, I will share them with you right here.

1. Watch George Carlin’s Stand-Up. Listen to him rant about religion, family and how all people are assholes. Feel like someone understands. Forget the fact that he died and just be happy that he’s been immortalized on screen.

2. Eat a box of cookies. Tell yourself you aren’t fat, you just need chocolate, and that’s okay.

3. Play violent videogames. Blow up the heads of aliens and feel a catharsis. Halo is good for this.

4. Bake a dessert. Then eat it.

5. Sing Karaoke. Sing even if you can’t. You’ll feel better. I recommend Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I will survive’

6. Go for a walk. A long one. listening to music is fun during this too. Avoid this in adverse weather conditions, and warn a friend you’re going so you don’t get kidnapped and raped, or if you do someone will miss you.

7. Troll an emo message board (Post Secret is a good one). Flame amusing topics, especially ones about religion, especually mormonism.

8. Go to youtube. Search ‘kittens on roomba’. Watch as many videos as you can. I dare you to be sad.

9. Go see a movie. Go alone if you want to. See something with lots of explosions. Eat popcorn until you want to puke.

10. Go to Hot Topic in the mall and mock the teenygoths.

11. Go to a bar before 9pm. Make friends with the bartender.

12. Go out dancing. Lincoln has a bar that does Eighties Night every sunday.

13. Eat chili. Vegetarian chili if you’re pathetic and don’t eat animals like me.

14. Read webcomics. I recommend Something Positive for Depression Sufferers. It may not help, but you’ll feel a sense of camaraderie.

15. Listen to music. Loudly. I don’t recommend Nine Inch Nails unless you’re really gunning for suicide, in which place please call a hotline, don’t listen to The Fragile. Me? I go for Girl Talk. Seriously, google Girl Talk and listen. It’ll be awesome.

16. Play extremely cute videogames. Those of you with an XBOX 360, I recommend Ilomilo, which has to be the sugariest game over all time. It bleeds, spits, vomits and craps cuteness and joy.

17. Eat oreos and peanut butter. It’s like eating god if god were a delicious snack food.

18. Find some old elementary school friends on Stalkerbook (if you haven’t done so already). Read their profiles. i can guarantee you’ll find at least one person with a kid. Feel glad you aren’t them. You don’t have to deal with a parasite.

19. Youtubing kittens won’t work? Go hunt down your local cat shelter and pay them a visit. The kittens will fill you with an inhuman joy. Don’t do this if you’re allergic to pet hair though, you’ll just feel worse.

20. Go to Walmart at 2 in the morning. Hang out on the toy aisle. Play with the bouncy balls. Watch the people. They’re hilariously disturbing. This works equally well for other late night locations, like a diner or local sex/novelty stores. Only you probably shouldn’t play with the bouncy balls at the sex shop. They might make you pay for them, and you don’t know where they’ve been.

THose of you currently feeling like death, I hope some of these suggestions helped. Feel free to add your own. I’ll welcome them next time I get to that point in my emotional rollercoaster nightmare (this post brought to you by options 1, 2 and 13).


2 Responses to “Lora’s Patented Cures for Depression”

  1. mark January 12, 2011 at 9:37 pm #

    I guess its kinda like karaoke, but I like listening to shitty music at extreme volumes and singing along like crazy. Hanson and Fall Out Boy are my two go to artists usually. It’s hard to be depressed while screaming upbeat pop music loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

    Oh, and reading every tech-blog on the internet is fun too. Something about seeing all the cool/amazing stuff that humans do and make, forces me to feel upbeat. After all, I’ve gotta live long enough to see the day all that badassery comes into my greedy little grasps.

  2. misanthropicverbiage January 12, 2011 at 10:26 pm #

    I fucking love you. XD Especially for number 7. *Goes off to google “kittens on roomba” to drown in adorable*

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