Things I’ve Learned Working in Foodservice

9 Jan

1. The customer may always be right, but that doesn’t mean the customer isn’t dumb as a box of rocks.

2. The smell of fryer grease gets into everything. Clothes, hair, shoes, even my glasses. Somehow. It takes multiple long showers to get it out, and even if the smell comes out of clothes, the stains stay on your pants until the end of time.

3. Whenever the menu stresses that something is ‘homemade’, it is going to be a bitch and a half to make. Like ranch dressing. Doesn’t sound difficult, but when you make it by the gallon and the slightest miscalculation of balance means you’ll pour the stuff all over the sink, your clothes, even in your hair, it becomes a bitch. And then some.

4. There is a special level of hell reserved for people who come in five minutes before closing and order something complicated. Like multiple bacon double cheeseburgers. Or a pizza, which takes 20 minutes if you’re quick about it.

5. The cooks get paid more than the waitresses because they don’t get tips. The waitresses make more money, but have to deal with people more. A fair trade-off?

6. Chili must be at least as hot as Mt. Vesuvius if it’s going to satisfy the customer.

7. Bowlers have no originality. Neither do sorority girls. If one bowler orders a large fries, ten other bowlers will order the exact same thing. This principle is also true of girls in sororities, but it’s usually ice cream. They’re also more likely to cry if you run out of something, though that depends on the bowler.

8. If you do dishes enough, your fingers will become permanently pruny.

9. Cleaning out the ketchup pumps once is enough to put you off ketchup for a really long time. Scrubbing ketchup off of plates will push that into forever.

10. People are at their most anal retentive and dickish when it comes to their food. I give myself five points every time I don’t snap and tell someone ‘if you don’t like how it is, go the fuck home and cook it yourself you bum.’

11. Meth heads play a lot of poker. This is so they can pay their phone bills since they can’t get real jobs. They also eat a lot of cheeseburgers.

12. The later in the evening it gets, the more people order extremely greasy food. Especially wings.

13. The pain starts in your back after about two hours. it slowly moves down your legs and into your feet after another two. By hour six you’ve become completely numb to it and only feel it again when you finally sit down in your car while driving home.

14. The bartenders make more money than you too, but they definitely deserve it. Anyone who has to deal with that many drunks does for sure.

15. Children are satan. No, children make satan look like a fluffy bunny in fairy land. Children are almost as bad as drunkards, they’re just louder and more whiny most of the time.

16. Don’t breathe in if you’re heating up hot sauce. you’ll lose nose hair.

17. Ditto above for grilled jalapenos.

18. No matter how well a place is managed, they will run out of everything when you need it the most. And you’ll have to deal with crying sorority girls again.

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6 Responses to “Things I’ve Learned Working in Foodservice”

  1. misanthropicverbiage January 9, 2011 at 7:49 am #

    *hugs* I’m sorry the job is sucking so hard, once again, but at least it leads to amusing blog posts? Erm. Not exactly a worthy trade off, but something positive. Ish.

    And 15 made me cackle. Best description of Satan ever.

    • theinsomniakid January 10, 2011 at 1:39 am #

      I would do just about anything for a good blog post. Almost anything. and you know I’m right about the kids.

  2. steviree January 9, 2011 at 1:34 pm #

    Hoping something much better will come your way soon!

    • theinsomniakid January 10, 2011 at 1:37 am #

      Thanks! Me too. I’m applying everywhere I can, so hopefully I’ll find something less greasy.

  3. heideelahree January 9, 2011 at 3:28 pm #

    The multiple references to crying sorority girls both amuse me and make me want to send in a rescue team. Great post. So much fun to read.

    • theinsomniakid January 10, 2011 at 1:38 am #

      that was more my old food service job, but every now and then the folk at the bowling alley get just as melodramatic. I mean, come ON people, it’s just hot sauce.

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